Life is like the ocean; we, the surfers; the surfboards, our lives.

Sometimes it’s calm on the water and we ride the gentle surf. Other times there are waves. I’d venture to say that most times there are waves. But these are the waves of life, the everyday problems we must address in order to complete something, and move to the next item on our do-list. There are also times when the waves are turbulent, unrelenting, violent. Sometimes the waves are so hard and so high we’re knocked off our boards. We get up and climb back on the board to try again. Sometimes we balance for a while and are able to navigate the particular daunting wave and we make it through. But other times there are too many waves coming for us over and over again, hitting our faces and we find ourselves overwhelmed, gasping for air, and hanging onto the surfboard. We have little strength left, as we try not to drown and so we stay there, cold and wet, waiting for the brutal waves to pass, just holding on.

During trying times such as the worldwide pandemic, I have reflected on the various challenges in people’s lives, as well as my own. And I’ve begun to notice different modes of being in the world and how these modes affect how we cope with life when it gets rough. I see three different modes: reality mode, trauma mode, and ontological mode. I see these modes as different ways in which we ride our surfboards of life. My view is that many people live in one default mode, usually reality mode, while others experience riding different modes on their boards, depending on their circumstances and what they focus on. Sometimes people end up in trauma mode without even realizing it. It can help to take a step back and reflect on which mode we tend to default to at any given time. Let’s look at how these modes of being influence how we engage with the world and our experience of it.

Reality Mode

In reality mode, we are making lists, and planning, we are shopping for food, helping our kids do their schoolwork from home, trying to juggle competing needs and space issues and financial concerns. Factually and practically, reality mode helps us “get stuff done.” If things are manageable, we are in reality mode, surfing the waves, able to access our skills and resources as we balance ourselves on the waves of life, maybe getting knocked off from time-to-time. But we get back on our boards easily, as we are in reality mode, going with the flow. If the waves become too large and being knocked off happens often enough or are too violent and unrelenting, we may find ourselves entering trauma mode.

Trauma Mode

Trauma mode can occur when there have been too many high and turbulent waves knocking you down, or it could be one massive wave that feels like twenty that wipes you out. You may try to get back on your surfboard and just when you start to balance, another wave crashes into you, sending you and your surfboard flying in opposite directions. And still, you swim back to the board, trying not to let the ocean consume you and spit you out and so you reach towards your board, navigating the waves obstructing your vision and exhausting your limbs, hoping it’s not been split in two. You climb back on again, you hold on, and try not to drown. Sometimes it is all you can do to hang onto the side, never mind try to climb back on and attempt to balance again. This is trauma mode.

Much is being talked about trauma as the world deals with health fears, pandemic death tolls, uncertain financial markets, businesses struggling, governments trying to both contain the health crisis, support struggling individuals and businesses as well as support science in finding and distributing a vaccine. In addition, social supports have changed with people being advised (or required) to practice social distancing. These times of uncertainty, the unrelenting waves of stress, can make some enter trauma mode. Not all, of course. There are some people for whom life has not changed much – they are able to work and receive their full-time income, pay their bills, and they are not in healthcare so they aren’t putting their lives at risk for the sake of society – and so they continue on as before, although they may miss hobby activities that have been shut down due to the pandemic. But for those of you who are terrified, fearful for your health or someone you know and love, who are wondering how you’re going to stay employed or keep a business afloat, you might find you are entering trauma mode.

Trauma mode can mean being hyper-vigilant, as in watching everything very carefully and critically, having trouble sleeping, eating too much or too little, or it may look like depressive symptoms or extreme anxiety. It can mean feeling an ongoing terror where you ask, When will this end? And then another question enters the mind: How can I stand it? The cost of entering trauma mode is that relationships with others in your life can falter, if they do not understand the extent of what you are going through. It can be hard to express challenges to others who are not having these struggles because they cannot possibly understand when all they’re dealing with is an inability to go to an art class or play squash. The result from being around others who do not understand how trauma can manifest is that the person can be left feeling isolated and alone.

Here we are in the midst of a worldwide health crisis and we are being asked and sometimes mandated by government to stay in place, socially isolate and at the very least practice social distancing. These conditions are ripe for mental health conditions to exacerbate because people may not be able to seek social assistance due to requested or mandated isolation. As well, many of the regular social services have moved online, which can feel daunting and even be perceived as yet another new challenge to face, another wave. Unfortunately, trauma mode can lead to a worsening of conditions as time goes on.

Navigating life in trauma mode may require extra help. If you feel like it is all too much, as the waves keep pounding, knocking you off your centre, off your board, you may want to consider talking to someone about it. It can be exhausting to continue trying to get up alone over and over again, living life mainly in this mode. There is another way of being that can help you manage the issues of trauma.

Enter Ontological Mode

Ontological mode is the mode of being aware of our very being, our existence. It is being aware that life is like the ocean, and we are simply surfers trying to navigate ourselves as we ride the waves of life. Many exercises counsellors and psychotherapists offer, such as focused relaxation, meditation, journaling, awareness of breath, are invitations to enter ontological mode. They invite us to train our minds in a new way of sorts. It is a type of reflection that gives us a new perspective on ourselves in the world. Ontological mode does not deny the trauma we are experiencing in times of crisis. Instead, doing exercises or practices that invite ontological mode invites you to watch the symptoms of trauma, to become aware of the stress.

Ontological mode does not fit very well with the reality mode that many people find comfort in, for example, to buy a large supply of toilet paper and empty the shelves. While these behaviours, on the surface, seem to be a part of reality mode, since people can argue they are “being prepared,” in some cases, the extreme buying, can signal entry into trauma mode. As people are seized with fear and obsession to get “what I need,” their brain enters trauma made, as it is hijacked such that reality mode is overwhelmed by panic-buying and a need for control in a world that they have lost presumed control over.

We never had control of the world. In pre-pandemic times, we may have thought we had control over the world, our ocean – if we buy the right products, we’ll feel better; if we exercise in this way, we’ll get a perfect body; if we follow these rules for investing, we will secure our future. It may seem as if none of these “right” ways of being, those reality mode practices if you will, matter in the time of pandemic. I wonder how much they really mattered when the world was “normal.”

We do have a future, in spite of our turbulent ocean. Reality mode won’t save us though. Reality mode helps us make plans and execute them; it is useful in getting down to business and doing what we need to do. But reality mode won’t protect us when trauma-mode hits. However, trauma mode can tell you something about yourself and the life you’re living. It can show you what is working and what is not, offering you a chance to address the underlying needs not being met that are causing trauma symptoms.

I believe that trauma mode is a gateway into ontological mode, as it is information that tells you something is wrong and needs looking at. How ontological mode helps is by giving us a chance to breathe, and a new outlook. While the world keeps going on and you do your best to function in these trying circumstances, your unique response to it, your own trauma response, tells you something is amiss and needs to be addressed. It helps you look at the bigger picture of your life and gain some perspective, some distance.

It is with ontological mode that we can dip down from the surface of reality mode, acknowledge what is being experienced and become witnesses to ourselves as we struggle. It is where we take a step back and reflect on our state of being and who we are and how we want to be in the world. This is the only control we have over the uncertainty of life, the unforgiving ocean that can make us question everything at times.

If you are finding it difficult to get a handle on your life, if you’re struggling to manage anxiety and depression in profoundly uncertain times, you may need to reach out to others who understand and can help. Trauma mode can be a never-ending loop of falling and getting back up. It can help to share this with others, such as talking to a close family member or friend you trust. Seeking out support from a professional can help as well.

And maybe, next time you are knocked down off your surfboard, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by the unending waves, you can remember that there are others also trying to stay on their surfboards, that it is not just you, and that it is part of your existence, right now, but things can change. The waves will change. And with a little help, some patience, and if need be, just holding on for a while and trying to breathe, there may come a time where the waves are manageable again, and you can step off your board in the setting sun, to let yourself rest before you come to face the ocean again, on another day.

The following are links to mental health resources:

https://ca.portal.gs/?lang=en-ca

https://www.anxietycanada.com/

https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/mental-health-covid-19

For youth under 30: youthspace.ca

https://www.vicrisis.ca/

Disclaimer: The blog on this site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. It is meant to be helpful and provide other perspectives. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or your local crisis line listed on your government’s mental health services pages.