When you’ve done all you can do, taken the steps you need to take and still you come up against wall after wall, know that there is nothing left to do except radically accept that this IS the case. For you. Right now.
These are not new ideas. Viktor Frankl spoke of them as he described his Holocaust experience and came to a new therapy practice – logotherapy (Frankl, 1959). Logotherapy is a therapy of meaning. Frankl said that people often found meaning in life through a love relationship or in their job or calling. One of his main contributions is the idea that if you are denied love and work, as was the case for people in concentration camps in brutal circumstances that are likely unfathomable for most of us in this day and age, all you have left is your attitude. Without love with another or the ability to work, we are left with our attitude, and how we approach life in difficult circumstances.
This is radical acceptance.
Marsha Linehan speaks of radical acceptance in her therapy practice and training of DBT – Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It’s about acknowledging reality. It is a cognitive-behavioral practice first designed to help those who suffer from “borderline personality disorder.” I put this personality disorder in quotes because the latest training on the front lines for counsellors and social workers for this heavily-stigmatized personality disorder – is that when one hears BPD, one needs to hear, “suffered profound and unspeakable trauma.” Marsha Linehan, herself a physician who once had BPD (research shows that symptoms reduce as a person gets older) created DBT for people with the issues of high impulsivity and strong emotional mood swings. Linehan cites core elements of what radical acceptance is NOT: first, acceptance is not approval; second, it is not compassion or love; third, it is not giving up or giving in; and fourth, it is not against change (Linehan, 2015). I find these core concepts crucial in understanding acceptance because they remind us that acceptance is an active process that does not mean we agree with the hurt that happened but that there are things we can do now: “Acceptance alone does not change a difficult situation, but it makes change possible or more likely. In fact, acceptance is essential to bringing about change” (Linehan, 2015). Where it is radical is in not condoning that something bad happened, not saying it’s okay and forgiving necessarily, but in accepting the reality that it happened which paves the way for making change.
Radical acceptance is a way to remind us to fully accept WHERE we are RIGHT NOW in this moment. It means to allow ourselves to fully feel our feelings. Radical acceptance involves saying, “The rules of the universe are the rules of the universe” (Linehan, 2015). We cannot fight reality, we cannot fight cause and effect. If there was exposure to a traumatic event (cause), there are repercussions which are different for each individual depending on the trauma and on the support a person receives in the wake of it (effect). Cause and effect are rules of the universe and we cannot deny that something happened when it did. When we have thoughts or feelings that we wish were different, part of acceptance is knowing that there are reasons why these thoughts and feelings exist. Radical acceptance allows us the space to explore those reasons and know they are valid.
I reflect on Frankl and Linehan because they speak to me in the times of uncertainty we are living in, having experienced radical changes to our social and economic environment through the COVID-19 pandemic. As the world shifts in response to these challenging times, we all must come to accept the reality of that shift, radically accept the rules of the universe so that we can create the space for change, to adjust. And if we can’t quite change things as quickly as we want, sometimes we have to just take a breath, accept what is right now, and hopefully, we can find some measure of peace as we wait it out, knowing if we can accept what IS, we create space for what can BE.
Frankl, V. E. (1959/2014). Man’s search for meaning. Boston, MA: Beacon Press (Part I).
Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, 2nd ed. New York: The Guilford Press.
Disclaimer: The blog on this site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. It is meant to be helpful and provide other perspectives. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or your local crisis line listed on your government’s mental health services pages.