So are you over it yet?

The culture of mental health and healing is ubiquitous. Jump on Instagram or Google and search “therapy” or “healing” and countless posts will come up (maybe even one of mine!) about things you can do to feel better.

Many of these concepts are useful, sometimes just the thing you need to hear when you get overwhelmed and need a reminder, when you’re lying in bed and can’t sleep (oh wait, we’re supposed to turn off our phones and stop looking at the blue light, what is it, half an hour from bedtime, damn I messed up!). Okay, yes, breathe, right? Slow down. Yes.

But wait, they don’t know about my life. I can’t slow down. Don’t they understand?

Nope.

This is the crux of the cult of healing: it offers little snippets of techniques/tricks/methods/self-care ideas to feel better while at the same time subtly making us feel worse because we’re not doing it right, or fast enough, or even slow enough.

Sigh.

What was I supposed to do again?

Right. Breathe.

Healing is personal

Healing concepts on social media are meant to be general, a catch-all. They can provide wonderful content. Some of it is insightful – if you can keep your perspective. The fact is that creators cannot possibly know what you or I are going through or where we are in our recovery. They offer generalities towards a healing process. But healing, at its core, is intensely personal.

Whatever you are trying to heal from is deeply personal to you. You experienced it. And only you can heal from it.

Whenever I read a new suggestion, I try to remind myself to filter it in my own mind first: is this even possible? Is this relevant to my recovery? Does this make me feel better or is it creating more pressure? Essentially, I ask myself how it feels for me and my energy level. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. We each have our different challenges and supports. What you need may be different from what I need. What people offer as a solution on Instagram or Google or in any book you might read may feel wrong to you. You may have a different idea but are hesitant to try it because no one else suggested it. But it may feel right to you.

If it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else, then I suggest you try it.

Part of healing is learning to come from our own inner compass. In psychology, it’s called having an internal locus of control(1). Coming from an internal locus of control means taking responsibility for our own actions. In our healing process, we are responsible for doing what works for us and figuring that out sometimes comes from trial and error (I’d argue most of it comes from trial and error). Sure, try the ideas that speak to you, and keep what works and discard the rest. But if we solely look to the outside world for answers to the questions of our own healing, we might come to blame others if their tips and tricks don’t work. This would be an example of coming from an external locus of control, where things outside of us are to blame. Following our own internal compass and adjusting as needed is part of our personal healing process. It is for us to decide what we need, including the time we require. Sometimes it takes awhile to realize we are healing (even if it doesn’t look like we thought it would).

Healing takes time

Time is the master for whom we are all servants (or something like that). This message that we are running out of time can disrupt our healing process. Yes, I know I’m getting older, time is a limited resource, others are using it more wisely. I know already. The reminders on social media to do it now, try this idea, are almost sinister in their brevity, like healing is a 2- or 5-step process we whip up like a batch of brownies. The simplicity of the messages of healing can unwittingly give the sense that we are doing something wrong if it is taking longer than the messages suggest, creating stress that we are somehow behind. Yes, sometimes we need a quick reminder or pick-me-up. Sometimes we need a laugh. Sometimes we need a bald bright graphic illustrating what a toxic relationship looks like. The messages can be validating at times and useful reminders to be true to ourselves.

But the truth is healing takes time. It is often a lonely process since no one can grasp quite what you are healing from. Perhaps you’re not even sure what exactly it is that happened that makes you feel afraid or unsure or unable to believe in yourself. People around you may not understand. Unless a person has walked a path of significant trauma and come out the other side (and I’m still not too sure what that other side is), no one knows what is involved. And it is invalidating when someone tells you they don’t understand why it’s taking so long.

Healing is a journey

Ah yes, the journey. Surely, someone else has posted about this and I’m only repeating it. And yet, the quick steps of social media healing tropes often imply a linear process where you go from A to B to C and at the end of this path is a bright Rainbow of Peace. Healing is a journey, but it has twists and turns and can sometimes force you to circle back to the tree you passed 5 miles ago but there it is and this time the leaves are darker, the fruit rotted and you’re not sure if you’re still in this world or have entered the Upside Down(2). The journey is one in which there are no guarantees.

But the journey is the process is the healing is the pain and is the relief. It is the fruit, the tree, the rot, the bud. It is all the things in a process that is messy and inconvenient. It is not clean and bright and polished like a post on Instagram. It is not the simple paint-by-numbers approach to setting a boundary. Yes, try the idea offered but know it probably won’t go the way it was laid out in the shiny post. And it’s okay if it doesn’t.

So, look to the external world for inspiration, read things, and learn. Enjoy funny posts about cats and reminders that your ex was likely a narcissist but maybe you can offer him grace and say he was simply a flawed man with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Use what helps you. And don’t accept the words of anyone who tells you that you should be over it by now.

What do they know anyways?

They’re probably looking for answers on the outside.